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Oh, the crying. The whining. The ear-splitting screaming. And in public, it's only louder! You got it--I'm describing the event that all Toddler Mom's know well--the dreaded tantrum.
And there is so much advice for how to make those toddler meltdowns melt away--only most of the advice isn't working with YOUR child, making you feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious.
Listen, I've got you. I totally get it. And I'm here to share with you the one and only way to diffuse a tantrum--and it has nothng to do with spanking, yelling, and the advice we all have gotten a zillion times (your know the one)--put that kid in time out!
BUT time out's not workin' for YOUR child. So, then what?
Guys, it's all about coregulation. Coregulation is the NUMBER 1 way to diffuse a toddler tantrum and here's what it is, why it works and how to use it.
Coregulation is the way children learn to soothe themselves while being soothed by a caring and responsive parent. It's incredible (and a wee bit scarey ) that a child's brain chemestry is tied so closely to that of their caregivers, but that is EXACTLY what is happening in their tiny little nervous system.
To put it simply: when toddlers get VERY emotional, it triggers YOUR brain as well--and vice versa, When a parent is VERY emotional, the child will also respond like a mirror image of the parent's emotions. They can't help it--it's the way our brain works.
So, how does coregulation help us diffuse those tantrums?
When we are EMOTIONALLY REGULATED (meaning, our feelings are not too big or too small--but juuust right), then our child can become emotionally regulated too, and those BIG tantrums and emotions will shrink like a brand new cotton t-shirt in the dryer on high heat.
I'll bet your're thinking, that sounds great, but how do I do that??
For some of us, it's not easy. Maybe we grew up with disregulated or maybe even unsafe or inconsistent caregivers. We may have had no examples of regulated adults at all, or are struggling with our own emotional roadblacks. If so,you may need the support of a therapist to assist us with emotional regulation.
For most of us, it is the simple act of becoming more INTENTIONAL about our responses to our toddlers tantrums. Looking deep inside ourselves and asking, what does my child need from me now? I can tell you this. Your child DOESN'T need:
your control
your disregulation (i.e. yelling)
your agression (i.e. spanking)
Those responses from a caregiver only make the tantrums bigger and longer lasting.
What children DO need when the are emotionally falling apart (tantrum-ing) are these three things:
your understanding that developmentally, your toddler is not able to cognitively understand how to regulate emotions themselves
your ability to regulate your own emotions and give them YOUR emotional regulation--then you become an Emotion Teacher to your child!
your intention to commit to "going inside" your own emotions and noticing what you feel and what you need (walk away? A break? Support?) before you address your child's tantrum. That's right--you gotta be self-aware of your OWN feelings.
I know you can do it, and I know you won't do it perfectly (because who IS perfect??). But I know you love your child and will try your best to coregulate with them so they can become emotionally healthy. I really believe in all parent's ability to use these skills effectively, and with increased practice, you'll gain the confidence to parent those tantruming little toddlers with ease.
BUT when those tantrums are persistant, or that school or day care keeps calling, then it may be time to reach out for parenting support and play therapy for your child.
An guess what? That's what I DO---I love helping parents and children learn coregulation skills to assist with taming those firey little tantrum dragons!
If you need help with tantrums, help is just a phone call or an email away! Just head back to the home page and fill out the form to email, or call (803) 770-5659!
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